|By Jon Carling|
When it comes to writing about something that I really care about, like really really care about, the words just come out as an utter mess. I use the most basic words, the most basic sentences, and a tone which conveys emotion on the level of a disengaged pupil in a maths lesson.
On the other hand, if the increased price of a Freddo bar irritates me (they're supposed to be 10p!!) I can witter on about that just fine for pages and pages and you'd get an idea of how enraged I am. Or if my cat has trotted across my highlighted notes with his wet paws, yep I can write about that just fine. Or if the sky was a particularly delectable shade of pink one evening, my writing would just about convey to you how happy that makes me too. But no, not anything to do with anything that is of real importance to me. Not my illness or of those around me, nor how I feel about the feminist cause, nor why my favourite book is my favourite book, nor how the last two years have completely changed my life in seemingly negative ways. Nothing that really touches my soul and my inner workings really lets itself out onto paper for an audience.
I have tried to write to somebody I admire to tell them how their words have affected me for the better. I have attempted to write about grief and sadness. I have tried to write about an internal conflict I have which defines me daily, but still cannot get the right words out. It's almost as if the soul's language can only be accessed through the medium of inexplicable feeling alone. For me anyhow. Maybe it is a case of allowing yourself to be truly honest, without a care for consequences of others reading what you write. But I have tried to write some of this privately and the words which come out do not do the issues justice at all. Not even slightly.
But hey, maybe we're not, or I'm not, supposed to share or materialise everything. Maybe it's what makes moments like feeling connected with another person, or hearing a piece of music which moves me, what they are. Moments which might not otherwise be accessible in any meaningful way. Moments which make me feel the most aware of my existence. So if I cannot naturally unlock the words which best describe something I care deeply for, perhaps I should stop because it appears that by trying to push it I am denying myself future moments where I feel the most alive and grateful I am breathing.