Monday, January 13, 2014

Alive and inexplicable.

By Jon Carling

When it comes to writing about something that I really care about, like really really care about, the words just come out as an utter mess. I use the most basic words, the most basic sentences, and a tone which conveys emotion on the level of a disengaged pupil in a maths lesson.

On the other hand, if the increased price of a Freddo bar irritates me (they're supposed to be 10p!!) I can witter on about that just fine for pages and pages and you'd get an idea of how enraged I am. Or if my cat has trotted across my highlighted notes with his wet paws, yep I can write about that just fine. Or if the sky was a particularly delectable shade of pink one evening, my writing would just about convey to you how happy that makes me too. But no, not anything to do with anything that is of real importance to me. Not my illness or of those around me, nor how I feel about the feminist cause, nor why my favourite book is my favourite book, nor how the last two years have completely changed my life in seemingly negative ways. Nothing that really touches my soul and my inner workings really lets itself out onto paper for an audience.

I have tried to write to somebody I admire to tell them how their words have affected me for the better. I have attempted to write about grief and sadness. I have tried to write about an internal conflict I have which defines me daily, but still cannot get the right words out. It's almost as if the soul's language can only be accessed through the medium of inexplicable feeling alone. For me anyhow. Maybe it is a case of allowing yourself to be truly honest, without a care for consequences of others reading what you write. But I have tried to write some of this privately and the words which come out do not do the issues justice at all. Not even slightly.

But hey, maybe we're not, or I'm not, supposed to share or materialise everything. Maybe it's what makes moments like feeling connected with another person, or hearing a piece of music which moves me, what they are. Moments which might not otherwise be accessible in any meaningful way. Moments which make me feel the most aware of my existence. So if I cannot naturally unlock the words which best describe something I care deeply for, perhaps I should stop because it appears that by trying to push it I am denying myself future moments where I feel the most alive and grateful I am breathing.

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  1. Such an interesting post. I often feel like this but never thought to vocalise it. I think to some extent the things we find difficult to write about are because they are the most important, and we struggle to find the words that are worth being used in association with the things most precious to us.
    N xo

  2. This has my brain ticking, what an interesting post! I think I get you, I often connect with what others write, a picture or sentence but can't express it in my own words - kinda thing! But Naomi has a good point cos it's so important to you don't think your words are good enough or can't express the true emotions behind them. Am I talking rubbish?! I did enjoy this post and would love to read more .. If you find those pesky words hehe

  3. I have the same issue! When I really want to discuss something personal, I just draw a blank. I wonder why that is?


  4. I could read your posts over and over again. For a post with the sole purpose of explaining how you feel you fail to describe something close to your heart I must say you've written a bloody stunner of a post here, Beeta. It is beautifully written and as I've already said, I could read your words all day. :)

  5. I think you are totally right; trying to find the words to define something that you're feeling, or things you feel so strongly about, is diminishing the ability to continue feeling those feelings. There is definitely a lot of truth in being able to let go of your thoughts, feelings and worries about the reader (or potential readers, including a future you) in order to be truly honest with your words. Plus, these things are often ever-changing. How can you put into words something that continues to change; both the reality of it and your approach to it and/or feelings about it? There is a time and a place for words. But sometimes, they just don't fit.

    Great post!

  6. I have nothing but love for the way you write lovely lady!!! I could read your writing over and over. Clearly you are doing something right somewhere ;) xxxx

  7. I could never ever express it quite so eloquently but I think I completely agree...
    Many a time I've plonked my bottom down to write something about something important and it just won't come out, maybe you're right - there's some stuff that's meant just for us and not to send out into the webbisphere?
    Love this post as I love most everything else you put out here
    M x Life Outside London