Tuesday, January 07, 2014

Can I?

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Time, time, time.
It's always bloomin' running away and I always seem to be racing to try and catch up. Mostly to no avail. My to-do list is constantly sneaking more tasks in and more things to organise. I wish I could go back to my pre-illness time and shake myself until I promised never to take anything for granted and make the most out of every single day. Because now that so many things are out of my control and I have my weeks dictated by hospital appointments, weak mornings and unannounced illness, it's difficult to stick to my plans to study or go to uni, for example. I don't seem to be able to dedicate the adequate time my health deserves (as I can't always rest because I need to study) or my studying deserves (because I can't always study as I need to rest).

And you fall into the habit of saying "I can't do that" and the cycle of "I can't; it's too difficult" which can be hard to break out of. Once you're used to doing something a certain way or adjusting to a problematic feature, it takes a real push to snap you out of the caution and wariness and the "What if this/that/the other happens and I can't do it?". Whether that's walking a distance, leaving your house, studying and so on and so forth.

When you feel like you are experiencing set-back after set-back, what's the best way of picking yourself up again?

It feels strange to have fallen into a phase again where I can only set myself small goals.

Today I am trying to tell myself that I can catch up with the work I've missed, I can prepare for my mock exam, I can have a proper rest tonight, I can walk to the hospital in the morning and I can travel to uni in the afternoon to do the mock.

I can, I can, I can.

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5 comments:

  1. Sending love and hugs your way sweetie. I know how that feels, not to the same extent, but I do none-the-less. I think you're doing just the right thing by making small goals. Keep going :) xxxxx

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  2. YOU CAN DO IT, BEE. I BELIEVE IN YOU!x

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  3. It will get better. I remember the year after my first clot, and struggling with walking, studying, tiredness...everything really. But gradually I was able to take on more and more each day. Be kind to yourself xx

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  4. :( you can do it! don't push yourself too hard x

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